Stuck Behind the Eight Ball
Not even the promise of unlockable boobs can save Pocket Pool from bombing. Hard.
Published: April 29, 2007
I know as guys we're supposed to pretend like we're unaffected by the female form -- especially when it comes to reviewing games -- but screw that. I like boobs, I like 'em quite a bit, but as breast-obsessed as I can be at times, even my lechery has its limits. Pocket Pool pushes well beyond that threshold, playing more like an experiment to see just how horny gamers really are rather than an actual game.
It's not like the framework wasn't here for an interesting poker game; you're given multiple angles to size up a shot (though their actual use is questionable thanks to the controls) and the ability to apply english or top and draw to a shot, control the power and get a basic visual readout of where your shot will go. Unfortunately, the second you actually fire off that shot, the lifeless, retarded physics in the game ruin the illusion that things like weight or momentum have anything to do with the shot.
Balls carom and zoom around the felt listlessly or with unchecked abandon or at times just decide to ignore physics entirely and zip off in a random direction when hitting the bumpers on the table, feeding the desire to just slam blindly at full strength into a pack and see what happens. That's the kind of thing I do when I'm drunk, but at least there's a sense of satisfaction there. Here? Not so much.
What's weird is how much time was spent in culling a handful of different games of pool here rather than just making even the most basic game realistic. You've got 8- and 9-ball options, cutthroat and blackjack variations and more. In total, there are more than a dozen modes to choose from and every one of them is as pointless and fluff-filled as the next. Even the venues you're given from a cruise ship (what?) to a mansion make no sense, and when your unlockables (behind the T 'n A, of course) are different colored cues, ball sets and heavily dithered, transparent images of girls laid across the table, well that's not exactly motivation, is it?
Let's talk about the main reason anyone would by the game: the girls. Though it's not quite on the level of early 90's daddy-didn't-love-me overly-made-up softcore pain you'll find in those bar Touchmaster games, any semblance of earning something worth looking at is more or less tossed out the window by just how crappy the images and movies you'll earn are. I'm not talking about the girls themselves; some are surprisingly beautiful, but the images -- like everything in the game -- are dithered, overly compressed messes and the videos are even worse, often with horrible colors and interlacing. Really? Interlacing? On the freakin' PSP's 480x272 screen? It just shows how little the developer actually cared about the game.
You're not just limited to ogling these ladies in pinup form, you can actually play against them too (and, for some reason, guys). It really doesn't matter who you play against (or as for that matter), though, because the AI in the game is hilariously bipolar, swinging wildly from rote retardation to pool hall god(dess). There's really no telling which one you'll get on a given shot, but Jeebus help you when they decide to un-fuck themselves and start playing fo realz. You will see the kinds of three-rail trick uber-shots that pool pros wish they could do in real life, and often it'll happen in the midst of a six- or seven-ball run.
It's not like the framework wasn't here for an interesting poker game; you're given multiple angles to size up a shot (though their actual use is questionable thanks to the controls) and the ability to apply english or top and draw to a shot, control the power and get a basic visual readout of where your shot will go. Unfortunately, the second you actually fire off that shot, the lifeless, retarded physics in the game ruin the illusion that things like weight or momentum have anything to do with the shot.
Balls carom and zoom around the felt listlessly or with unchecked abandon or at times just decide to ignore physics entirely and zip off in a random direction when hitting the bumpers on the table, feeding the desire to just slam blindly at full strength into a pack and see what happens. That's the kind of thing I do when I'm drunk, but at least there's a sense of satisfaction there. Here? Not so much.
What's weird is how much time was spent in culling a handful of different games of pool here rather than just making even the most basic game realistic. You've got 8- and 9-ball options, cutthroat and blackjack variations and more. In total, there are more than a dozen modes to choose from and every one of them is as pointless and fluff-filled as the next. Even the venues you're given from a cruise ship (what?) to a mansion make no sense, and when your unlockables (behind the T 'n A, of course) are different colored cues, ball sets and heavily dithered, transparent images of girls laid across the table, well that's not exactly motivation, is it?
Let's talk about the main reason anyone would by the game: the girls. Though it's not quite on the level of early 90's daddy-didn't-love-me overly-made-up softcore pain you'll find in those bar Touchmaster games, any semblance of earning something worth looking at is more or less tossed out the window by just how crappy the images and movies you'll earn are. I'm not talking about the girls themselves; some are surprisingly beautiful, but the images -- like everything in the game -- are dithered, overly compressed messes and the videos are even worse, often with horrible colors and interlacing. Really? Interlacing? On the freakin' PSP's 480x272 screen? It just shows how little the developer actually cared about the game.
You're not just limited to ogling these ladies in pinup form, you can actually play against them too (and, for some reason, guys). It really doesn't matter who you play against (or as for that matter), though, because the AI in the game is hilariously bipolar, swinging wildly from rote retardation to pool hall god(dess). There's really no telling which one you'll get on a given shot, but Jeebus help you when they decide to un-fuck themselves and start playing fo realz. You will see the kinds of three-rail trick uber-shots that pool pros wish they could do in real life, and often it'll happen in the midst of a six- or seven-ball run.
