What's What with the PlayStation 3
The system, the games, the specs, and the lofty hopes we have for Sony's latest powerhouse.
Published: July 1, 2005
Here's the real facts about the PS3:
FACT! The PS3 will eat small babies and use their innards for fuel before ejecting their spent carcasses into the sun at a speed close to but not actually at the speed of light.
FACT! The Cell processor is actually powered by the souls of the damned, so if you live on an Indian burial ground, you will get like 6 more fps on Killzone than anyone else that's only living on the crushed skeletons of Chinese and Irish immigrants that busted their ass so you could live in that fancy-pants house of theirs.
FACT! Ken Kutaragi activates every PS3 with a single drop of his blood, thus binding the artificial intelligence routines to his will in a move that eventually spell the end of all mankind as Sony becomes Skynet, and Skynet becomes fully aware Spring 2006.
FACT! The PS3 actually knows what games you want to play before you buy them and will take the liberty of purchasing said games for you ahead of time. You may think you don't want Super Gay Ninja Attack Squad 5: The Felching, but the PS3 knows otherwise. Just go with it, baby.
FACT! The start-up sound of the PS3 will actually sound like a woman reaching full climax. It will be the only time most men ever hear it, but they will hear it so many times it won't even matter.
Actually, we don't know what the hell the PS3 is going to do. Sony's awesomely nebulous press conference introduced about ten questions for every one it answered, and in typically coy fashion, they're letting a couple of words be taken in about 20 different directions. You want our honest predictions on things?
The PS3 will look nearly identical to the Xbox 360 for at least two years, with a couple of choice games from both camps' first- and second-party developers kicking out stuff that will absolutely make you crap your pants the first time you see screenshots, and then make you lose full bowel control when you see the games running at 1080i/p.
About three or four years, after the launch, though, you're going to see some interesting differences between the two consoles. The PS3 will rock more polygonal detail and do it in higher resolution than the 360, but it won't be able to hang with the texture detail that the 360's unified memory can deliver leading to yet another trivial debate over stupid crap most won't even know about. Nobody will care, of course, and fanboys the world over will claim they've seen Jesus in Project Gotham Racing 7. They will of course be right, so we'd better all repent now.
Seriously. Oh, and start saving up, the PS3 ain't gonna be cheap.
FACT! The PS3 will eat small babies and use their innards for fuel before ejecting their spent carcasses into the sun at a speed close to but not actually at the speed of light.
FACT! The Cell processor is actually powered by the souls of the damned, so if you live on an Indian burial ground, you will get like 6 more fps on Killzone than anyone else that's only living on the crushed skeletons of Chinese and Irish immigrants that busted their ass so you could live in that fancy-pants house of theirs.
FACT! Ken Kutaragi activates every PS3 with a single drop of his blood, thus binding the artificial intelligence routines to his will in a move that eventually spell the end of all mankind as Sony becomes Skynet, and Skynet becomes fully aware Spring 2006.
FACT! The PS3 actually knows what games you want to play before you buy them and will take the liberty of purchasing said games for you ahead of time. You may think you don't want Super Gay Ninja Attack Squad 5: The Felching, but the PS3 knows otherwise. Just go with it, baby.
FACT! The start-up sound of the PS3 will actually sound like a woman reaching full climax. It will be the only time most men ever hear it, but they will hear it so many times it won't even matter.
Actually, we don't know what the hell the PS3 is going to do. Sony's awesomely nebulous press conference introduced about ten questions for every one it answered, and in typically coy fashion, they're letting a couple of words be taken in about 20 different directions. You want our honest predictions on things?
The PS3 will look nearly identical to the Xbox 360 for at least two years, with a couple of choice games from both camps' first- and second-party developers kicking out stuff that will absolutely make you crap your pants the first time you see screenshots, and then make you lose full bowel control when you see the games running at 1080i/p.
About three or four years, after the launch, though, you're going to see some interesting differences between the two consoles. The PS3 will rock more polygonal detail and do it in higher resolution than the 360, but it won't be able to hang with the texture detail that the 360's unified memory can deliver leading to yet another trivial debate over stupid crap most won't even know about. Nobody will care, of course, and fanboys the world over will claim they've seen Jesus in Project Gotham Racing 7. They will of course be right, so we'd better all repent now.
Seriously. Oh, and start saving up, the PS3 ain't gonna be cheap.